In the past few months I’ve come across an expression that I hadn’t been aware of before. When I asked a few people if they had heard it, they told me they had not. But the term, ‘holding space’ has been around for awhile. It means to be with someone and listen without judgment. We’re not used to doing that; we want to fix things and put in our own opinion or slant on their problem. But holding space for someone is a sacred art.
When we hold space for another person, we are supporting them in their own grief or transformation. We just let them be themselves without taking their power away by trying to fix their problem, shaming them, or giving them information they are not ready for. Sometimes we have to just stand aside so they can make their own choices and offer them love and support in their journey. You hold space for someone grieving a great loss such as a death, broken relationship or job loss by just being there.
There is a Scripture that says, “Weep with those who weep.” That is also holding space. I remember a time when a close friend’s pregnancy had gone overdue and the baby died before being born. My friend had to go through the pain of labour and delivery while at the same time the anguish of knowing what was coming. There would be no joy in that hospital room, only tears and pain. There were no words of comfort or consolation to give her. Afterwards, I sat with my friend for hours while she told me every detail of her ordeal, from the doctor’s declaration of the baby’s death in utero, to holding him after the stillbirth. I didn’t know what holding space was at that time, but I knew that she had to get it all out. When she was done, I held her in my arms and cried with her. After that day, whenever she needed to talk, I listened. That was holding space.
I remember friends and family holding space for me when I was going through a rough time in my life. I was so happy they didn’t try to offer solutions or to make me ashamed of my situation, but they just ‘held space’ for me while I cried and told them over and over what I was going through. Sometimes I received flowers, sometimes a meal, and sometimes a visit. All these were part of my healing process. However, there were some people who tried to tell me what I had done wrong and what I should do now. Those comments were not helpful at all. In fact, I avoided those people because what I needed at that time was someone to hold space for me to be myself, not to shame me or make me feel worse.
How do you hold space for someone? At the end of the day, it means to not make it about you. That’s it. Holding space means to make it about someone else, without judgment. You give your ears and heart without wanting anything back. No finger pointing, no opinions, just let the person be who they are. It’s the ultimate practice of empathy and compassion. It’s having someone’s back.
Spiritual traditions had it right long ago when they would encourage participation in a ‘talking circle.’ In the First Nations tradition, when someone was ailing, they would be invited to sit in a circle of their peers and just talk about what they were experiencing. Those sitting in the circle would listen with all of their attention focused on the person speaking. They would keep their hearts and minds open and acknowledge what was said. They didn’t try to fix the person, they just sat there with inner stillness in support of the speaker. There was great comfort and healing in this.
Holding space is a new term for me but I think it’s also a lost art. Have you held space for someone recently? Has someone held space for you?
A native of Newfoundland, Christine Faour is now ensconced in Coldbrook. After a lifetime spent teaching, she now spends her time knitting, tending her lavender hobby farm and writing about her take on life at anourishedlife.ca. She has written one book, Eat Where You Are, a memoir in recipes.
